What is a Woman?

Simply this…Chaotic Soul, just like this theme.

I Miss Being One of the Beautiful People

Yes, call me shallow, but I miss being one of the beautiful people. At 29 years old, I am no longer one of those people. Why do my genetics not carry a beautiful forever card? With more chins than I care to admit and short dumpy legs, why can’t I be like the gorgeous girls, that even fifty pounds overweight has a certain jenosequois? My family, who btw looks like they are carved out of cream cheese until they’re about 24, we just loose that with the growth of our ass. Perhaps it is the love of all things delicious, or perhaps it is the fact that this square thing in my lap calls to me day after day and the only callouses on my hands are from the guitar I play SITTING DOWN. I come home from work and to my husband I say, “babe, rub my feet I’ve been off them all day.” Perhaps America’s generations why and now have destroyed what outer beauty I had left. Truth is, no matter how many colors I color my hair, it doesn’t change the fact that, at a measly size 10 (and the fact that I just said measly proves my point,) I am a cow. It is inexcusable to excuse it because the average American is now easily a size 10. Take into consideration my short almost dwarf size stature, I look like the little blueberry girl on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Perhaps if I ate more blueberries and less blueberry cobbler while sitting on my ass, I wouldn’t have the need for a five course piece of gum that turns me into a big juicy blueberry. Oh what metaphorical genius that book is! Who needs five courses? Eating five courses while slurping down a big fat diet coke and calling it a day, no wonder people like Ben and James say fuck fat America. LOL, all the while Ben and Jerry say thanks fat America!

Truth is, even if I lost thirty pounds and got back into a size 6 or 8 (because I have hips that will never allow me to get back to a 4 and isn’t the new 4 a 6 or 8 anyway), I still would never be one of the beautiful people again. Nope, after 24, It all goes down hill, and looking older than my four year older sister just makes it impossible. All my life, she has looked like the younger sister, perhaps it is because she still acts 22 and I act 40.Perhaps it is making up for the age difference between my husband and I. Either way, it doesn’t make up for the proverbial mind fuck I get each day that I look in the mirror. Grow old gracefully? That is for the 63 year old ladies that still look like Sofia Loren. The only thing that would help me is some good ol’ sit ups and Spackle.

I am Fat America…Deal

Two posts about fat America from two skinny guys:

James Harmon:

 It’s difficult for me to find clothing as it is – I’m six feet three inches tall and I’ve got an awkward body shape. But, it’s not like it’s really been that difficult. In the past, I’ve been able to find pants that are my required 34 inches in length, to meet the demand of my ridiculously long legs. There’s never as many 34×34′s as there are 34×30 – in any store . . . but most stores used to carry a few 34×34′s – it makes sense. Some people have long legs and the manufacturers recognize this – which is why they used to make sizes that we’re a bit off on the proportions. But . . . things have changed.

Do you know how hard it is to find pants that are 34×34 now? First of all, the pant sizes aren’t legitimate. Much to my amazement, most pants that say “34 waist” are in actuality 40 to 42 inches, with ease. Which makes pants that say “34×34″ a fucking flat out lie. So, I try to find pants that are 28×34, to compensate for this mathematical bumblefuck – but that shit doesn’t work, because from an outside perspective of not knowing that the pant sizes are three sizes bigger than they actually are, you’d hear from a lay person: “No one is shaped like 28×34 – and if they are, they should go to a big and tall shop.” . . . so naturally, it doesn’t get made. In the real world, 28×34 isn’t practical – but a 28×34 that’s actually a 34×34 fucking IS!

I can’t find pants that fit me anymore. They don’t exist. It’s not as if it’s a miscalculation of numbers, because the 34 inch LENGTH is accurate. So, that means manufacturers have just shifted the numbers over a couple of notches so Americans can feel better about their fucking waistlines. You take an extra large t-shirt and you put a big ole “L” on the tag, and the public doesn’t notice they’re gaining weight – on top of that, they’ll be MUCH more likely to buy the clothing if they think they can fit into clothes that shouldn’t fit them at all. Thanks – thanks for that. Because of the ever expanding public waistline, I can no longer find pants that fit me. 34×34′s are actually 40×34′s – and the sad part is, the 34 waistline was a size that gave me optimum comfort – I can fit into a 30 or a 32.

It’s just . . . all downhill from here, folks. It’s amazing that we’ve gotten this far. I, for one, will be wearing these pants for a very long time – unless of course I increase my sugar intake to outrageous gastronomical proportions.

Seriously, thanks dick.

Ben Kirkland:

Fuck you Fat America!

I was working out of town and needed some thermal shirts and sweatpants- it was butt-ass cold – and the only place that sold clothing in the area was Hell (Wal-Mart)

Fuck Wal-Mart.

There they were, on display, 300 packages of thermal shirts.

300 – 6 rows of 5 cubbies with 10 shirts per cubby.

Not one goddamn size Small!!!

Medium, Large, X-Large, XX-Large, and 3X-Large!!!!

Not one goddamn size Small!

Sweatpants.

Row after row, stack after stack, Medium after Large after 4X-Large.

No smalls, goddammit!

So I bought a Medium thermal, left the sweats, got to where I was staying, and put on the shirt – too fucking big.

I waited until I got back to the home town and returned it to another Hell in search of a size Small. Another display of 300. No such luck.

What the fuck?!

I checked the boy’s section in hope, but they weren’t selling any thermals for kiddies. No sweatpants long enough. I took my cash and left.

Fat fucking America. They don’t sell small thermals because there isn’t as BIG a market as X-Large. Jesusfuckingchrist! 

and it’s not just clothing…

Did you know they’re having to revamp the rides at Disney World to accomodate the average weight of modern Americans?!

“Back in 1963, when the boats that carry customers through Disneyland’s “It’s a Small World” ride were designed, the average male weighed 175lbs and the average female 135lbs. Not anymore. Disney is now undertaking a massive renovation in which the boats will be redesigned and the flume deepened to accommodate the additional poundage.”

Not so small after all, huh?

I can’t help the genes I received, but I shouldn’t have to search for the jeans I need (28-30 waist).

I think it’s funny, that men and women once had a problem finding plus-size clothing, and now I’m having trouble finding what-used-to-be-normal clothing.

When did being “fat” become okay? I don’t have a problem with humans, people of size included, but accomodating an unheathy lifestyle riddled with heart disease, diabetes, and other problems and accepting it as the norm is beyond me.

Large people – I love you, but at the moment, I’m a little miffed.

 

To both of you skinny mother fuckers:

Fuck you! I’m fat America! How’s this, Fuck you tall America! Try finding pants with a 28″ inseam, they don’t make them. Ever! The shortest inseam is a 29. And even in my skinny days at a size 4 I was still fat America because I have hips and ass, get the fuck over it! Hire a freaking tailor like the rest of us or learn how to sew. Sewing macines are $100 bucks a corporate Walmart that you hate so much, go fucking buy one!!! Seriously, you are both geniuses, but not everyone has the genetics of a beanstalk and if it makes me rise in the morning and my pants say 8 instead of 10 then so be it. Figure out your fat size dudes, or shop in the little boys section, its the one next to the little girls section with the fucking 28″ in-seamed pants.

Obama Says Police acted Stupidly

…when arresting his friend “Skip” Gates, a Cambridge professor for Disorderly Conduct. According to President Obama,  Mr John Lewis Gates, Jr was “jiggering” his lock because he forgot his keys and a neighbor called in a burglary in progress. 

Since Obama has never worked in law enforcement, it would seem that he is correct in his assumption that blacks and latinos are racially profiled and stopped more often for the color of their skin. Working in law enforcement for the past ten years, I can tell you this just simply is not the case. (and I live in Podunk Alabama where civil rights has been an issue since before the Civil War). I’m not saying it never happens. There are some ignorant, racially biased cops that may stoop so low, but for the most part, racial profiling is a thing of the past. Law Enforcement is class biased, most definately.  A law enforcement officer would stop a beat up older model car with the back dragging and a tail light out before he would a volvo if driving down the same street and someone called in a suspicious vehicle but gave no vehicle description. But to the untrained eye, it would seem that Obama’s assumptions are true. Law Enforcement is a reactive position, not a proactive one. Law Enforcment reacts to dispatched calls, and signs of suspicion, and rarely have time to profile.

In this case, someone issued a burglary in progress call. Suspicion is on the man in the house, no matter his color. The man is then to follow the orders of the police officer. If Mr. Gates, in an attempt to tell the officer it was his house, did not comply with those orders, the officer couldhave done more than arrest him for disorderly and could have seen Gates as a threat. If Gates refused to comply with orders while whipping out his drivers license, reaching behind him in an excited manor for his wallet, the officer could have gotten even more upset. If then Gates became angry that the officer did not listen to him because the officer was still trying to get Gates to comply, than he could have become disorderly (non-compliant) and an arrest would have been within the letter of the law. Without political influence, the charges could have held strong in a court of law, no matter the fact that it was Gates’ home. Non compliance equals disorderly conduct. There is nothing stupid about that, Mr. Obama, and I would not apologize either.

What would happen to the world

…If the easterbunny was really Santa Clause and we just got a bunch of eggs under our christmas tree. Perhaps we could truly be a nation with free energy. Think of all the methane!

Jamie Lee Curtis’s Lack of Couth

Really Jamie Lee, I dont need to know about your bowels. Eat the yogurt, but don’t talk about how it helps you “go”. Gross. Some things should not be on television. You are damaging my calm.

About Me

about me…really…short, fat, frumpy, misspent youth, misspent career, over whelmed, over stressed, over mom’d, over step mom’d, over honey’d, over wife’d, allergic to cleaning, musical, abstract, structured, de-structured, a Leo, loyal, sarcastic, underestimated, under paid, unappreciated, appreciated, ambitious, self indulged, self conscious, a case of the twenty somethings for way too long, generation why, generation split family, not too damaged, not philosophical, not “spiritual”, religious, non conforming, conforming, not political, not country, very southern, not racist, not feminist, not modernist, not romantic, not contemporary, always hungry, none of your business, while you’re asking…

I don’t care that my flour is bleached. I don’t care that aspertame and sucralose is giving me cancer, you shoved it down my throat until I started using the damn stuff and then you tell me it gives me cancer and makes me fatter than pure sugar, oh well, you deal with the deaths on your conscious, not mine. I do care that the asshole next to me is  blowing smoke in my face. Not the fact that he’s smoking, I don’t care, smoke away…but blow the shit in the other direction, it makes me choke.I don’t eat fake desserts, I some times eat dessert first, life is too short; and guess what Dr Gupta, my grandma lived till she was 98 and everything she ate was cooked in lard, she ate bacon sandwiches for breakfast every morning, and yes, I sat under her while she smoked her 4 packs a day, choking all the way. What’s giving us heart attacks now is all that whole wheat shit and wheat germ you try to shove down my throat while you’re making me drink diet coke with my turkey burger so I can aspire to be the size 4 I will never be again because I am a card carrying member of the broad bottom tribe.

Yes, I talk alot about food, I’m a foodie, get over it.

 Clowns, you freak me out. There is nothing cute about you. You do not make me smile, nor have you ever. You’re like some creepy ass pedophile trying to grope at my kid while tripping over your dumb shoes, stay the hell away from me and mine. crawl back under the bed shower clown, that’s where you belong. (yeah, I’m one of the reasons for the website on caulraphobia,  I’m not afraid to admit it).

Yeah, I’m originally from Texas, but I don’t have to walk around saying “In Texas….” about everything. We all know everything is bigger, we all know the steak tastes better, that you can’t get decent seafood away from the coast, that the second language is English, that its the only decent place to get a sopapilla, including Cozumel (which by the way might as well be Alabama with the weather and bananas and caramel and whip cream on their sopapillas, please) We don’t have to be reminded that the groceries cost this much and that the gas cost that much. Get over it, you’re from Texas, we get it.Yes, I believe in ghosts, you don’t, that’s cool, just don’t call me a quack until you’ve seen shit float across your room and pictures fly off your dressers and voices calling your name and you’re not schizophrenic and you’re home alone. Plus what’s funner than a good ghost story? I’m a terrible woman as far as girly clothes, and gifts, and cute cards, and nice house warming presents, and all that crap. I’ve never been in a wedding, except my sister’s and she kinda had to I think its a un written rule. I hate wearing skirts, yes my thighs touch, but I’ve never caught on fire from walking, so I continue living with fat thighs. I am not as talented as many but not as untalented as some, I am always in a hurry and hate slow people. Dude, does it really take you 30 minutes to stick gel in your hair and blow dry it, come on. I’m a girl who uses a flat iron and it only takes me like 10 minutes to do my hair and its thick.

 PS I’m German, Irish, and Native American; hell yeah I like beer, and none of that fru fru 2 calorie crap, I want to be able to chew my hops, dude. o and I say dude alot.

Enough about me, how bout you?